So today I had my first date with open-relationship tinder boy. We met for coffee at 3pm and I didn’t get home until 9:30. Let’s just say I was expecting for hang out for an hour, not 6 and a half. There was no expectations and just good honest conversation. We had dinner on top of coffee and though I ran my mouth like a freak and my jaw is sore from talking so much, instead of what it’s usually sore from…, but I am glad to say that he seemed pleased with my endless talking.

He’s a great listener, which is a change for a lot of men I have encountered. He is great at keep the conversation going. He is a nerd but not too nerdy. And he’s cute. Now I have no idea where this is going to go and I have no plans to steer it in a certain course. I am letting the pieces fall where they may, but I can’t wait to see where it goes.

It’s been a long time since I was able to talk to a guy for an extended period of time, let alone for six hours and not have them be gay, or try to get in my pants. So it’s interesting, but I like it.

I don’t want you the reader or me to assume that I am falling too fast. I don’t even think that I am falling per say, but I can say that I am smitten with the idea of getting to know this kid better.

May the odds be in my favor. Updates to come.



This year for Christmas, my little sister got me a book called Binge by Tyler Oakley per my request. And I have to say that I am head over heels with it. Between unwrapping it at 10 am and then actually settling down to read it at 9pm last night, I was front to cover by 1:30 am. Now to encourage a personal goal of reading more, I plan to do little book reviewish things with this blog. So here we go.

Binge is an autobiography of Tyler and not only is he one of my favorite content creators that I personally watch on YouTube, he is now one of my favorite authors. His uncanny ability to just be “unapologetically himself” (a phrased used in the book), both onscreen and in print is something that I find rather inspiring. He is one of those people that provides perfect transparency as to who he is and this is something I admire greatly, especially with his recent rise to fame.

I was an early follower of his. I joined the Oakley club when he was only at 70,000 subscribers; now at over 7 million, I am proud to have seen his channel grow and his sparkle reach many others. The thing I am most proud of though, is he hasn’t let the fame go to his head. Yeah in his book he talks about the breakdowns he’s had and how he lost who he was there for a bit, but he also often refers to a support system of friends, family and most importantly, his mom, Queen Jackie.

The book goes through his life from the beginning to the present. Talking about his personal image struggles and eating disorder as a young child to his coming out to his heart breaks to his general ups and downs to his sexcapades, Oakley gives it all in 307 pages of  pure comedic genius and raw truth. The chapter that spoke to me the most was “the one that got away.” In this chapter, Oakley explains his first love and how even though it may have been a bit twisted, his ex-boyfriend left such an impact on his life and he doesn’t regret any of it. I had a similar experience so it was rather eye opening for me.

Each page of his book has you pining to know more and like the title, I binged on the whole thing. He carefully wove in life lessons in each chapter and if I got anything from his antics it would be:

  1. Be unapologetically yourself, those who don’t like it can get the fuck out
  2. Be humble and don’t be a dick
  3. Don’t close doors that you haven’t opened and don’t close doors that you have already opened. Basically try everything once and if opportunity arises, try it again.
  4. It’s ok to fuck up, you’ll live
  5. Quality over quantity, in every aspect of your life
  6. Never drive with Tyler, ever. But hey grab a drink with the guy.
  7. Every woman is a queen and should be treated as such
  8. “Binge on things that bring fulfillment and happiness and satisfaction and make you feel alive. Binge on people who fascinate you and love that wakes you up from monotony. Binge on exploring, both your hometown and the farthest continent. Binge on the time spent bettering yourself and petting dogs. Binge on picking your grandma’s brain and learning the story of the time she got catfished. Binge on giving, in all senses. Binge on Indulging.” – Tyler Oakley, Binge, pg. 1

I suggest that everyone read it. Everyone is going to get something different out of it, but I am sure that something profound may come to you. Over 7 million people didn’t choose to follow this guy just because he can pull off mint green hair. He truly is something special and one of a kind. So Binge on kids. I’ll catch you on the flipside.

PS. update on open-relationship dude. He texted me on Christmas so I guess I didn’t have to worry about if I should text him or not.

Go the fuck to sleep

So currently it’s 1:31 am PST and I am regrettably awake. I am prone to unusual sleep patterns and not being able to sleep, but typically I would have passed out an hour ago. Honestly this whole not sleeping thing is fucking irritating. I have made my room as dark as possible, cracked the window to let cold air in because I sleep better when it’s cold and have thrown on some mellow music. But here I am wide awake and I am choosing to deal with it by venting to the internet instead of actually trying to sleep.

I have even tried listening to Morgan Freeman read a bedtime story called Go the Fuck to Sleep and that didn’t work. But here it is just incase my 2 readers want to give it a gander. Either way, according to my mother, “Santa is watching” so I’m going to listen to Mr. Freeman and try and fucking sleep.

50 Shades of Tinder

Recently I have utilized the app Tinder more than usual. My journey with Tinder started in my early in my senior year of highschool and I promptly deleted the app after receiving the following message and laughing for about 5 hours:

“If I were to get to know you better I would invite you over for dinner that included two hot pockets and a very expensive $5 bottle of wine. Our dinner discussion would be almost imminent involving the differences between jelly and jam. After dinner we would make our way over to my polar bear carpet where we would begin an intense role play of 50 shades of grey.”

The summer before I started college, I re-downloaded Tinder and now i’m 276 matches deep. As a result of 276 guys who have swiped their interest in me I have gone on 2 dates, both resulting in nothing, been sufficiently catfished and have matched with like 10 guys I know personally, one of whom I have hooked up with. You see the point of Tinder is to be laid and well I have been laid exactly once. What are the odds? I mean not that I’m mad about it because my one lay was the best sex of my life, but like come on, ask a girl to coffee and if you’re nice about it, I might just suck your dick. Win win right?

Well maybe it just doesn’t work out for me because I found there to be 5 types of guys on Tinder:

  1. The direct desperate guy: this is the fella that messages you within 15 minutes of you matching, says hey and within 5 back and forth messages is asking to bang. haha no thank you.
  2. The guy who starts off normal and then through conversation turns into guy number 1.
  3. The guy that unmatches with you and then somehow you rematch and you guys talk and you realize that he doesn’t remember matching with you previously.
  4. When Tinder used to have moments, the guy that would post dick pics. For those of you who don’t know I hate them for 3 reasons:
    1. Dicks are ugly as fuck
    2. Why do you think a pic of your junk is a turn on?
    3. Don’t get me started on the flaccid ones.
  5. And finally the guys who are in “in an open relationship.”

In the last 24 hours I have run into tinder types 1, 3 and 5. Type 1 didn’t even give me a chance to say hey back before he was asking to bang. So uh bye sir. Type 3 I matched with last fall, imma call him Jay. Jay and I talked for a while last year and after deducing that he was a virgin (I don’t do virgins) he unmatched me. We matched again and he started talking to me. So either one of 2 things 1) he doesn’t remember me, which is just rude or 2) He remembers and is no longer a virgin. Either way he basically ended up being tinder guy type 2.

Finally I have run into the 5th type of tinder boy. The open relationship dude. Which I am curious about. We have had completely inspiring conversations and he has remained 100% honest with me about his situation. Him and his significant other have been together for 6 years and live together. Since they have spent the last 6 years with each other they have decided that they wanted to explore what else is out there, while remaining together. He is clear that he doesn’t want a relationship, but “A friends with benefits situation would be ideal.” I find this whole thing very peculiar and I am anxious to learn more about their decision. We have a pending coffee date post Christmas and if anything he’s also said that he is looking for a solid friendship since most of his close friends have moved away.

He and his girlfriend realize that there are a lot of moving parts in this arrangement and that everyone involved risks a receiving a broken heart. Something that I am not keen to have happen again, but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t cause so much pain and suffering as my last broken heart, but that is a story for another day.

Either way I guess I am open to the possibility. We seem compatible and he’s attractive so I mean why shut a door I have barely opened? If anything it’s a learning experience for the both of us and the worse that can happen post coffee is that we figure out that coffee was enough and we never see each other again. The real question is if I text him on Christmas or not because that’s a relationshipy thing to do and well we are so far from that point.

Updates to come soon.

Opening the flood gates

Welcome, this is my first stab at blogging and blah blah blah. I don’t feel like wasting time on meaningless introductions that aren’t going to give you as good of an insight to me as my writing will. I will throw out a disclaimer though: you should not expect perfect grammar, totally complete thoughts or a pg-rated scene. You should expect mistakes, causal apparences of my naive self, brutal honesty and the more than casual swearing.

I am currently sitting in my office aka a coffee shop or any other worldly place I find myself behind the keys of a keyboard. This specific ‘office’ is Coffee Bar, a place I find myself most of the time. I have just polished off a vanilla latte, tried to shazam 4 different songs that have come on, and still have barely done anything that I came here to do. That’s mostly due to my short attention span, texting like 30 people and this beautiful tall drink of water I am calling mystery man.

Mystery Man is an attractive sun of a bitch who caught my eye as soon as I walked in. He has hazel eyes, is rocking maroon pants and resembles a younger less rugged David Beckham. (that’s a thing about me, I’m good remembering and seeing the features of people in a short time span..mostly due to my fear of being kidnapped and hopeful escape.) He also is well groomed with the perfect amount of scruff. Basically I am sitting here literally dying over this guy who probably has not noticed me and my lame attempts of finding excuses to walk by. Either way he is nice to look at whilst I sit here and write this endless stream of consciousness that is always flooding my mind.

And look who it is. Lanie Geyer. She just walked in and sat down a short ways away. This bitch bullied me in middle school because I walked in on her stuffing her bra during 5th period. God she really fell off the wagon in high school and well I wasn’t expecting to see her in my ‘office’– it’s not really her scene. Anyway the bitch left so all is back in equilibrium.

But enough of lustful coffee shop loves and bitches. There are more important things to be talked about. Like why I even decided to write, to at this point myself because my readership is currently zero. It started with a journey to find and love myself. I am on winter holiday from university and am only working part time, so there’s a lot of time for reflection. With so much extra time I wanted to focus on myself. I am the product of a heart broken too many times and subject to self criticisms and hate. I wanted to take time to find a way to love myself for who I am and what I want to be. I figured that one of the ways to accomplish this was to journal, but since my handwriting is shit and my thoughts are better put together on a computer I figured that I would give blogging a go. Also I have a dear friend named Kristopher that does this blogging thing and his writing brings so much joy into my life. If you have the chance you should check his stuff out because he’s truly a writing connoisseur.

Anyway I am sure there is more mindless garbage to come, but for now that is all I have to say.