50 Shades of Tinder

Recently I have utilized the app Tinder more than usual. My journey with Tinder started in my early in my senior year of highschool and I promptly deleted the app after receiving the following message and laughing for about 5 hours:

“If I were to get to know you better I would invite you over for dinner that included two hot pockets and a very expensive $5 bottle of wine. Our dinner discussion would be almost imminent involving the differences between jelly and jam. After dinner we would make our way over to my polar bear carpet where we would begin an intense role play of 50 shades of grey.”

The summer before I started college, I re-downloaded Tinder and now i’m 276 matches deep. As a result of 276 guys who have swiped their interest in me I have gone on 2 dates, both resulting in nothing, been sufficiently catfished and have matched with like 10 guys I know personally, one of whom I have hooked up with. You see the point of Tinder is to be laid and well I have been laid exactly once. What are the odds? I mean not that I’m mad about it because my one lay was the best sex of my life, but like come on, ask a girl to coffee and if you’re nice about it, I might just suck your dick. Win win right?

Well maybe it just doesn’t work out for me because I found there to be 5 types of guys on Tinder:

  1. The direct desperate guy: this is the fella that messages you within 15 minutes of you matching, says hey and within 5 back and forth messages is asking to bang. haha no thank you.
  2. The guy who starts off normal and then through conversation turns into guy number 1.
  3. The guy that unmatches with you and then somehow you rematch and you guys talk and you realize that he doesn’t remember matching with you previously.
  4. When Tinder used to have moments, the guy that would post dick pics. For those of you who don’t know I hate them for 3 reasons:
    1. Dicks are ugly as fuck
    2. Why do you think a pic of your junk is a turn on?
    3. Don’t get me started on the flaccid ones.
  5. And finally the guys who are in “in an open relationship.”

In the last 24 hours I have run into tinder types 1, 3 and 5. Type 1 didn’t even give me a chance to say hey back before he was asking to bang. So uh bye sir. Type 3 I matched with last fall, imma call him Jay. Jay and I talked for a while last year and after deducing that he was a virgin (I don’t do virgins) he unmatched me. We matched again and he started talking to me. So either one of 2 things 1) he doesn’t remember me, which is just rude or 2) He remembers and is no longer a virgin. Either way he basically ended up being tinder guy type 2.

Finally I have run into the 5th type of tinder boy. The open relationship dude. Which I am curious about. We have had completely inspiring conversations and he has remained 100% honest with me about his situation. Him and his significant other have been together for 6 years and live together. Since they have spent the last 6 years with each other they have decided that they wanted to explore what else is out there, while remaining together. He is clear that he doesn’t want a relationship, but “A friends with benefits situation would be ideal.” I find this whole thing very peculiar and I am anxious to learn more about their decision. We have a pending coffee date post Christmas and if anything he’s also said that he is looking for a solid friendship since most of his close friends have moved away.

He and his girlfriend realize that there are a lot of moving parts in this arrangement and that everyone involved risks a receiving a broken heart. Something that I am not keen to have happen again, but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t cause so much pain and suffering as my last broken heart, but that is a story for another day.

Either way I guess I am open to the possibility. We seem compatible and he’s attractive so I mean why shut a door I have barely opened? If anything it’s a learning experience for the both of us and the worse that can happen post coffee is that we figure out that coffee was enough and we never see each other again. The real question is if I text him on Christmas or not because that’s a relationshipy thing to do and well we are so far from that point.

Updates to come soon.


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