One day

One day- it’s something I say to myself often: One day i’ll look good in a swimsuit. One day i’ll graduate. One day i’ll find love. One day i’ll stop doubting myself. One day i’ll be good enough. One day.

Why do we do this- why do we think that the future is going to be our savior? I know 3, 4 years ago I was saying one day, meaning today- and have I really changed? Is this the one day I was hoping for? who knows, honestly probably not- for I still look/feel like trash in a swimsuit. I haven’t graduated yet. Love still escapes me. I am still full of self doubt. And I still do not think that I am good enough for myself, let alone anyone else.

How do I change this mentality? How to I go from one day, to right now? I mean I know things take time- changing your body, lifestyle, building relationships and trusting yourself and your worth. But how much time? I have given it time and nothing seems to have come to fruition. Which is annoying- what does it take? Even me saying out loud “I am a patient woman” does nothing to help.

These are the thoughts that cripple my thursday night mind as I listen to Broken Bells, still wondering if the guy who took me out on Valentine’s is ever going to call or if he is going to stick to ghosting me. His ghosting, his sudden absence from my life- it makes me question my own value- was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he lie when he said my head was so good that it didn’t need a scale??- because who the fuck walks away from head that good? Who knows, but I sit here thinking those questions and saying to myself that ONE DAY I will be good enough for someone to hold on to. ONE DAY I will be good enough that I might actually love myself and not worry about why someone left. ONE DAY I will be completely secure and not worry about what others think or what they do becuase I’ll love myself for who I am regardless if others can’t. ONE DAY people won’t leave. ONE DAY I won’t feel broken.

I really hope I am not the only one who feels this way.

As I have written, I have come to realize that maybe saying One Day is a safety net. the “oh the future’s got me so I don’t need to worry right now.” And as much as I wish this was the case, you only have the you that you are right now. Past you can’t do a damn thing and future you can’t either. Only present you can achieve the One Day Goals. And as much as writing that is encouraging- I know that I am going to close this post still feeling discouraged and still feeling like I am not good enough for myself, my friends, my family, my sexual partners or for anyone in general. One day, I hope I don’t feel this way.

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On relationships

Remember how I said I was back? well imma just leave that as an umbrella term. Anyway I am sat here on a Sunday night, with my whole music library on shuffle and falling into the hole that is tumblr.com. Anyway I am also being consumed with thoughts about my current life situation as I read deep quotes and have The National bringing nostalgic music to my ears. Basically, your girl is in a bit of an emotional pickle when it comes to the relationships in my life. First, lets define relationship:

Relationship (noun): the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

So I will be using relationship as an umbrella term for my friendships, sexual relations and for how I am connected to my “relationship” with life in general at this point.

First, lets talk about the friendships. My best friend, my person- well she has a new person in her life. Now I talked about this a bit in my last post, but I am at this weird point where I don’t want to share her or her time. And even though I don’t spend all my time with her due to our conflicting schedules and such, the little time I do have to spend with my bff is now being shared with a boy and I don’t like it. Yes, I am happy for her. Yes, I am stoked at least one of us is getting consistently laid. Yes, he is a sweet guy who treats her well and they are mostly compatible. But like at the same time I don’t like any of it. I don’t like that he takes her time. I don’t like that they have banchee loud sex and conversations that I can hear in my room. I don’t like that I barely know the kid. I don’t like that he’s over at our house all the time and that she never goes over to his (except tonight so like im happy I can sleep and that the ratio is finally getting shaken up, god bless– tangent NEVER let the ratio get weird, spend equal time in each other’s beds otherwise it’s just weird). Anyway I don’t know how to feel about this boy, because its not that he’s just part of her life now, he’s part of mine. Not only because I know when he climaxes during sex, but also because he’s dating my person (even if they won’t put the label on it) but like if you’re in her life, you’re in mine and vice versa. Anyway I have a lot of mixed feelings about it and idk how to express that and still be supportive. Because I truly am happy for her, I just need time to adjust?? idk its weird for me. Point is, I don’t do change when its not brought on by my own doing if that makes sense. I really don’t like it unless it was my idea and I was the one to bring it upon myself. And this boy is a change and it’s going to take some getting used to and I know that the whole getting used to thing is dragging on own relationship as super best friends, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be overly supportive and still feel how I feel at the same time. So there’s that.

But, since my bff has a new person in her life, I also have a new person. A new friend. She’s a sweet heart and is someone I can go to when I feel left out by my bff. My new friend is a sweet little angel who can be there for me in any capacity. She also gets my situation which is nice. And the greatest thing about her is that she cares to put time into me and our friendship. You see I have one main rule for life: you are welcome on my island any time, but you have to ACT like you WANT to be here, if you don’t I’ll assume and you’ll be voted off the island real quick. Veto’d, cancelled, whatever you want to call it- you’re gone. I do not have the time for people who don’t have the time for me. I am not going to waste my time on someone who doesn’t want me in their life or who doesn’t want to be in mine. I am not here for when its convenient- you’re either on the island or you’re not- yes there is a limbo when you’re walking the plank off the island, but for the most part you’re either on or off. And yes I am all about the second chances, thirds and fourths- the main point being that if you wanna be here great, act like it and I will be more than happy to put time into you.

Which brings me to the third relationship I am in. A boy. God fuck the male species sometimes- like I do not understand them. So anyway at the beginning of February, I hooked up with a brother of my fave frat, 1. that’s very out of character for me and 2. like I am considered a bro so like it’s just a little weird. THAT being said- it was a hot ass night and I broke my 1.5 year dry spell and I walked away with a purple neck (9 goddamned hickies) and I was feeling great- like wow a boy actually was interested in me? wow. Point it was a great night- and the sunday/monday after were great on the communication scale like 9/10 we were doing great, as the week followed though, we slowly slipped into a like 4/10 on the communication scale and like I was bummed but like I get it life happens, maybe it was just going to be a one night thing, whatever I was cool. Then this fucker asks me out on valentine’s day- so we do the Qudoba deal (you kiss at the reg and you get a free meal- it’s dope) anyway we had a great date, great conversation and I spent the night at his house and we had another good night in my opinion. And so I was thinking great, like he’s taking me out on v-day so he’s gotta be into me and like were having great conversation etc. and then he FALLS OF THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH and I haven’t heard from him since and I am sitting here like wtf!?! like homie what the fucking hell to do want for me? and I don’t mean this in a crazy clingy desperate chick way- I mean this in a don’t want to be played way. Remember how I was just talking about the island- well I am v confused by this boy because sometimes I think he wants to be on my island and other times I think he wants to be far away from my island. And I don’t get it. Like I don’t have time to worry about this. Like for the love of god where is head at- all I want is to be on the same page. Like you wanna just randomly hook up when we see each other at a frat party? Great. You want to do the casual fun dating without the label thing where we go on some dates and we sleep together but can still be a booty call? Great. You actually want to go for real dating? Great. You want to be just FWB booty calls? Great. You want to be just friends that had a few great nights but that’s all it was? Great. JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. Like I am literally about to go all Noah from the Notebook on this kid- like I do not have the time to worry about what we are- I am literally game for anything at this point, yes I prefer the casual fun thing, but like if you don’t wanna be on the page- that’s fine just like tell me what page you’re on so I can get there and stop rereading the chapter trying to figure it out. Anyway its driving me up the fucking wall not knowing where I am at so I’m lw going to corner this kid tomorrow and hope for the best- because I can’t take it. Like I want him in my life in whatever capacity that is- but I don’t like doing the whole unknown thing- not my style. I also don’t do the no communication thing- like even friends talk every now and then- friends care about whats happening in each others lives so like don’t fall of the earth- please be on the island.

Anyway I am just really frustrated with how my relationships are going in my life because I want to make them better but I don’t know how and/or how warranted my presence and thoughts and opinions etc are in the lives of others. At this point I just want to make them stronger and I am struggling with that- not only in how I outwardly express it but also in how I am internalizing and processing it and yeah thats where I’m at. I don’t like it and I don’t quite know how to pull myself out of this relationship funk.

Adult World

I can apologize for the time I have been away. I can pull out the excuse book and rattle off the hundreds I could come up with. But honestly, thats a waste of fuckin time. The point is I’m back– for good? who knows, but I’m back for now.

I just got inspired to write so I may as well run with it. I just finished watching Adult World on Netflix as my best friend has sex in the room below me- what? I needed something to block out the stripping of innocence below by floor. So obviously, I picked a film about an aspiring poet who works at a porn shop and her journey on the broken road that most artists travel. Brilliant film and the ever inspiring Evan Peters is in it, so really you can’t go wrong. Also Emma Roberts, so for my American Horror Story fans, you will enjoy it. Honestly if you’re into off the beat indie films, you’ll like it. I am compiling a list of great little indie films and there is post about it soon to come your way.

Now lets cut the jargon and get to the point. I was inspired by this film. I am unsure if it was just the film itself or the film sparked the ember that has been stirring since the beginning of the year. This semester I am taking a great deal of creative courses- the kind that make you think more about the world and question life- not the kind that make you try to make a letter equal a number (which is complete and utter BULLSHIT if I do say so myself- obvi not a science/math kid). Creative thinking is one in its own and I do think that it is a lot harder than people think- ANYWAY back to the point- two of my classes have me creating art and another has me writing it. Between being in the arts building on campus for 10+ hours a week and spending another 8 hours a week writing stories from my past, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop. I need to stop tucking away my inner brooding artist. I have pulled myself out of greek life to an extent and started liking country music and wearing cowboy boots.

I feel like I am losing myself bc I don’t know who to be anymore- Do I be the boho artist that creates shit and lives a wanderlust lifestyle? Do I become the country girl that has always been there since my dad first played me Tim McGraw? or do I be the overachieving basic sorority bitch with the dreams of leading greek life? I don’t know. I just saw the movie split and its about a guy with multiple personality disorder and I feel like sometimes I am there. I put on a front, or a type of person that best fits the others I am talking to or hanging out with. And I never feel like I am truly me? And I don’t know if that’s because it’s the easy way or the fact that I don’t know how to be all these people at the same time. I mean there are parts of my personality that carry through each of these “alter-egos”- ie my insesent use of the word fuck, my love of cheap pink moscato and the need to be liked by whoever I am talking to-but is that enough to string them all together? I don’t know.

Honestly I don’t know a lot, but what I have concluded is that we are all trying in one way or another. We are all trying to Jack Kerouac this thing we call life and praying that it turns out well enough that when we look back we don’t cringe as much. Anyway those are the thoughts from a mixed up 20 year old at midnight in the beginning of February.

Until next time, I’ll see you next time.