One day

One day- it’s something I say to myself often: One day i’ll look good in a swimsuit. One day i’ll graduate. One day i’ll find love. One day i’ll stop doubting myself. One day i’ll be good enough. One day.

Why do we do this- why do we think that the future is going to be our savior? I know 3, 4 years ago I was saying one day, meaning today- and have I really changed? Is this the one day I was hoping for? who knows, honestly probably not- for I still look/feel like trash in a swimsuit. I haven’t graduated yet. Love still escapes me. I am still full of self doubt. And I still do not think that I am good enough for myself, let alone anyone else.

How do I change this mentality? How to I go from one day, to right now? I mean I know things take time- changing your body, lifestyle, building relationships and trusting yourself and your worth. But how much time? I have given it time and nothing seems to have come to fruition. Which is annoying- what does it take? Even me saying out loud “I am a patient woman” does nothing to help.

These are the thoughts that cripple my thursday night mind as I listen to Broken Bells, still wondering if the guy who took me out on Valentine’s is ever going to call or if he is going to stick to ghosting me. His ghosting, his sudden absence from my life- it makes me question my own value- was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he lie when he said my head was so good that it didn’t need a scale??- because who the fuck walks away from head that good? Who knows, but I sit here thinking those questions and saying to myself that ONE DAY I will be good enough for someone to hold on to. ONE DAY I will be good enough that I might actually love myself and not worry about why someone left. ONE DAY I will be completely secure and not worry about what others think or what they do becuase I’ll love myself for who I am regardless if others can’t. ONE DAY people won’t leave. ONE DAY I won’t feel broken.

I really hope I am not the only one who feels this way.

As I have written, I have come to realize that maybe saying One Day is a safety net. the “oh the future’s got me so I don’t need to worry right now.” And as much as I wish this was the case, you only have the you that you are right now. Past you can’t do a damn thing and future you can’t either. Only present you can achieve the One Day Goals. And as much as writing that is encouraging- I know that I am going to close this post still feeling discouraged and still feeling like I am not good enough for myself, my friends, my family, my sexual partners or for anyone in general. One day, I hope I don’t feel this way.

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