Sept. 15, 2015 11:58am 

*this is just a little gem piece of writing that I found in my notes. It’s got some good ideas and topics that are worth talking about.

I’ve found its the quite moments. The moments where you sit listening to the cozy winter music of Nick Mulvey and you share a shy smile with a stranger across the pool like room of first floor Raggio. The moments when your sitting waiting for a class and the cold is encasing you and all you want is to melt those frozen walls with a hot cup of joe, but alas are too paralyzed to move. These are the moments we need to remember because they matter. In those moments you are nothing but your self, sitting waiting wishing that you were either somewhere else or someone else. In those moments you are unwittingly sharing yourself with all the other people sitting around doing the same as you. As I sit here, every person is engulfed by technology. Looking to their phones or laptops for relief from the weight of their subconscious and time. I am no different. I sit here desperately wishing to be hand writing all of this but here I am on my gold I6 writing away a meaningless stream of consciousness that I hope to have the courage to publish on a personal blog someday. Would anyone read it? Probably. Why? Because they are just a person like me, sitting in the cold, waiting for a class trying to find something to distract them from their pressing subconscious that’s begging to be set loose in this empty block of time. It’s a somber moment. And I say somber not knowing quite what it means but it feels like the right word for the atmosphere in the room. All of us students together snuggled in our respective sweaters and coats because fall has decided to arrive. Using the warmth from our lap tops, tablets, iPhones and androids to distract us from the crisp weather outside. A girl sits to my left, reading or more so skimming a book for a class, presumably CH and even she is snaked into this realm of technology. Listening to her music and charging her iPhone, she too is finding comfort both traditionally in literature and modernly in technology. I feel as though this all a redundant stream of consciousness but it’s what’s racing around in my mind. How did we get to this place where books are almost foreign and this little bit of wires, hard dives, LED screens that sits in our pre-arthritis hands become commonplace? My eyes slowly are becoming irritated with this little bright screen and I wonder if I’m introducing my self to eye cancer or something. I mean it’s possible, it’s probably not the best for our eyes to stare at a little screen for hours a day. We may be evolving and improving the world around us but the biology can’t keep up. I’m afraid that they world will end up like Disney’s Wall-E. This technology torn world of overweight people who no longer have the opportunity to climb a real mountain or smell the rain and it pours into the earth. And I don’t know how to fix or prevent the ultimate failure of the human race. Anyway this is all getting a bit deep for a casual sit in the Raggio but it’s where the mind wanders that shows what’s truly important to you. It makes me think of this assignment that I have to do for Insight Magazine. It’s around the theme of broken systems. And it’s us, the people that are broken. We make the system and the system is fucked and here we are doing nothing but complaining that we have a broken system. I’m thinking of photographing people. Mostly people with out homes or who are of low income because they are the output of the broken system. They are what becomes of a flawed system. I am unsure if Zach will agree with my interpretation of broken systems. But that’s the gist. I am unsure uneasy even afraid and it’s all because the system makes it out that I should be. Why? Because the system is fucked and doesn’t allow one to be their true self. In order for there to be a perfect system, there has to be no system. Yeah that might end in utter chaos but at least we would all be at an even playing field in where there is no chains of approval or others expectations to be met. You just have you and the bars you set for yourself. My bars seem intangible and insatiable. They seem so far ahead of where I am that I discourage myself from trying and that’s not fair. Not fair to me and not fair to the others that would effected by my goals. I sit here in a cold bucket seat in a class that I have come to take a strong dislike to waiting for the time to pass so I can be free. I feel so locked and closed in when I am with in the university walls. I need to get out, but all I know is school. I have done school and have had education shoved down my throat since I was born. What is out there for me? What experiences are to be had? What adventures are to be made? At this point I fear that I will never know because I am trapped in this place of fear and what ifs. What would happen if I left what i know? What if I become that sad homeless product of the system? What if I lose who I am? Do I even have a clue who I am anyway? It’s all a jumble of questions and internal conflicts that I can never escape and I don’t know who I would be with out them. My class is starting soon and I have no idea how to end this stream of random restless mind-flow since in reality it never stops. So I am ending on a note of positive possibility of not being scared because the world is only as scary as you make it.

Ps. Expect some more of these types of posts since I’m now back at uni and don’t always find the time for proper posts.

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Happenings

I find that I have a lot of things that I want to talk about. I mean not that I think you’re interested in what I have to say, but maybe one day when I am old and senile I’ll at least appreciated the time I spent behind a keyboard recording my life to complete strangers. Anyway a few things have happened that I think need addressing.

First, my skin is driving me insane. Its developing all these dry patches and although I slap insane amounts of moisturizer on it, nothing really seems to help. I thought about going to the derm, but it takes FOREVERRRR to get in so I’m saying fuck it and giving in.

Second, YouTube has come into my life again and I am liking it. And no, I am not by any means a youtuber. I thought about it, but then I remembered the cringe I get when I hear my own voice recorded, so I thought hmmm betta not. Anyway back in highschool, I used be super into all the “british youtubers”– you know Zoella, Alfie, Dan, Phil and such, and I loved them, this is also when they only had like 100,000 subscribers versus the millions they have today. I still watch their content sometimes,  but idk it just doesn’t speak to me much anymore.

Anyway over the winter holidays I really got into Cambria Joy’s channels as well as Aspyn + Parker’s vlogs. Cambria is truly a sweetheart and I live vicariously through her love life with the super sweet and mega attractive Bo. She also is really good about being healthy and spreading body positivity and she’s a really great inspiration. As for Aspyn and Parker, I found them a few days ago and I am honestly fascinated. They are a married couple from Utah and the thing that pulled me in that they got married when they were 19 and 20. And not that that is a bad thing, and Parker is Mormon, so I totally get it– I guess it’s just weird because I’m 19 and no where close to getting married. Like I haven’t been laid since halloween, let alone being proposed to. Anyway they are a super cute couple and just seeing them lead a completely different life at the same age is oddly inspiring?? idk its just different and I like it.

Third, I got a new roommate. Now just take a second here to google Alex Aiono (first his music is really good) but this new roommate, pretty much looks like Alex. And well ya girl is feeling it. First he’s my age, which is nice because my previous roommate is was like 27. Second, he’s cute af. Third, HE’S NORMAL, relatively speaking– I don’t know him that well yet. I realize that I have told y’all about my living situation and the weird roommates, I’ll drop that anecdote at some point in the near future, but compared to them the new roommate is normal and just praise the fucking lord on that one. Now I am totally dtf and he literally moved on 4 hours ago. Imma give it some time, do some harmless flirting and see where it leads. I mean sleeping with your roommate has some major ‘consequences’ to think about if it blows up in my face, but yolo. #PrayingforSex

Finally, although I have remained healthy and I eat really well and I exercise, I am still fucking sick and it’s so annoying. Like I am starting school on tuesday and my boy decides to revolt against me.WTF?? Hate it but what can I do besides remain healthy, get enough sleep and drown my complaints in NyQuil.

PS. Seriously ask your universe or God or science or whatever you believe in and ask them to get me laid. K thanks.

“Adulting”

School starts in a week and this wave of responsibility is slowly coming in and I guarantee that it is going to hit my like a tsunami real quick. God I hate adulting so much.

Between ordering books for the semester to catching up on so many emails I am drowning. First of all, buying books for class is bullshit. I am already paying the univesity up the fucking wazoo for my education (WHICH IS FUCKING WRONG BECAUSE EDUCATION IS PRICELESS AND THE FACT THE UNIVERSITIES PUT PRICE TAGS ON MY EDUCATION MAKES ME SUPER ENRAGED!) so why should I have to pay for books on top of that? Rude. I hate it. Just get like a class set and re-use them. Not only does it save money, but it saves trees since not as many books will have to be printed at the end of the day.

To the email things, I am the Vice President of Programming for Panhellenic Council. I didn’t exactly check my panhel email over break and I log in today with so many from the Greek Office. AND HALF OF THEM DON’T APPLY TO ME. I am on a listserve with all the panhellenic chapter presidents so when they get and email so do I. So there is like 8 emails with things they have to do, that I don’t but I’m sitting here at ‘the office’ all stressed about it because I am super confused on if I have to do these things from the emails or if I am just being put in the loop.  Either way it’s stressing me the fuck out.

As part of my panhel position I plan greek week. I start school next week and I do not have a meeting set up with IFC (frats) or MGC (multi-cultural greeks) programmers to get the ball rolling on this. I mean we have 2 months until this shit is supposed to happen. If you haven’t realized already, a for being a mess of a person I am highly organized and OCD at the same time. So not having this meeting is stressing me out. Lol school hasn’t even started and here I am already falling apart. Anyway this meeting needs to be a thing so that I can pull my shit together and plan accordingly for whatever responsibilities I have regarding greek week.

Either way between getting ready for school, my VP position, also the fact that I am about to send in my 2 weeks and will be jobless, plus applying for scholarships and my study abroad, trying to be fit and healthy, AND the fact that I am sick, just makes this whole adulting thing a struggle. I feel like the stress and responsibility is what made me sick in the first place– my mom thinks its the stuffy air in my apartment, but what does she know. Also I think I have a thyroid problem so there’s that.

Also thank you to the spike in my readership! It’s a little self confidence booster, knowing that people in the world like reading about my tornado of a life. Keep it coming– link my blog in your blogs or share me on social media or something (here’s me shamelessly self promoting). ❤

PS. I am IN LOVE with the song Took a Pill in Ibiza by Mike Posner. Everyone go listen to it.

PPS. Just got a text from my greek advisor that she is sending out a doodle pool for a greek week meeting. So yay! A little less stress for me:)

My shitty immune system

I’m sick and it’s fucking irritating. I have this head cold that’s causing my nose to be all stuffed up and my head is so pressurized that I feel like it’s going to explore and I can feel a sore throat coming on. I am not here for this sore throat business btw. I think that nausea and sore throat are some of the worst physical feelings in the world– I mean I haven’t felt the trouble of kidney stones, childbirth or a gunshot– but for the everyday average joe, worst feelings ever.

I don’t even know how I got sick? I think it was my mum, but idk. I tried to be good and go for a run/hike yesterday, which was great, but it was a bit cold because that’s Reno for ya, but I dressed warm and somehow after that I started getting a runny nose and sneezing, all of which continued today. Alls I’m asking is why my body is revolting against me trying to do good by it. I don’t get it.

I was also sick right around Christmas– that one was more of a cough. And I was sick at least twice last fall. Saying as I have been sick 4-5 times since august 2015, I have determined that my immune system is shit. I mean I treat it well! I take vitamins and I eat decently healthy, I am starting to exercise more. Like what more can I do?? Can anyone help a sister out with this??

On the other hand, my whole 52 books challenge, not going to be a thing. Not that I am necessarily giving up, I definitely want to read more, but just not in this way. I am either a “read the whole book in 5 hours” or “take 10 months to get through one book ” kind of girl and so I am going to read at my own pace and get through books in whatever time it takes me. I have also decided to re-set my goal and do something more manageable: 20 books for the year.

I have also started the BooTea teatox. So far I haven’t noticed all the much, but I do feel less snacky, which is good because spring break is around the corner and I actually want to be able to wear a bikini this year. Woo weight loss. Anyway the tea tastes pretty ok and the night time one really does whole true to what it’s supposed to do– go and read up on that. Anyway I am doing the 28 day one and I hope I don’t plateau during the middle of it. Fingers crossed.

PS. Valentine’s day is coming up and well since I’m as single as they get, the only enjoyment I get out of this holiday are the little pun e-valentines like this:

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Yang tze oolong

So I have turned a new leaf and I am starting to like tea. (lol no pun intended– turning a new leaf, tea is made of leaves, get it?? haha) For my close friends and family, they know that I usually hate tea. I had a dislike for it ever since I was little, this is probably because I would only have it when I was sick. Yay illness. Anyway I am at the ‘office’ and for the second time this week, I opted for tea, instead of my usual caramel latte or vanilla latte with almond milk. Today I ordered yang tze oolong white tea, and don’t even ask me how to pronounce that. It’s a sweet little tea with hints of pomegranate and a subtle sweetness that pairs well with some honey.

With this new development in my tastebuds, I can’t help but wonder where it came from? The new year? My rediscovered love of yoga? My want to better myself? I am not entirely sure, but I am glad it’s happening.

Reading into my new found liking of the drink, I think it shows me growing as a person and opening my mind to things I previously had closed my mind too. Like in Binge, when Tyler basically says that you should try everything twice, I think that I have taken that to heart and hopefully tea isn’t the only  aspect of my life where this seems to happen.

I also came to the office today with the intention of applying for my study abroad in Italy in Spring 2017. I was doing great on the application until it came to the passport thing. I don’t have my passport on me, so I do what any logical adult does and I text my mom asking her to send me a picture of it. But she does the mom thing. She says she “can’t find it” and I should come home. Which I know since i’ve moved out that she’s missed me and looks for any excuse for me to come home. And don’t get me wrong I love my mom and the rest of the fam, and I don’t mind going home. But I came to my office to focus and I know that as soon as I leave to go home to get my passport (and pizza, mom said there was pizza) one of 2 things are going to happen: 1) I am not going to continue my application and put it off again or 2) mom is going to get all into it and try and help me do it. Which I mean the latter isn’t the worst in the world, but my parents, mom in particular basically did my whole application for my last study abroad when I went to high school in New Zealand.

This time around I want to be the one to do it. To put in the effort of getting myself to Italy. To be the one that gets to be there at every step of the way. I gladly appreciate my mom’s willingness to help, and I will have points where I need it. But In part of this new self awareness I want to be more independent. I want to be more of a self-reliant person. I am the only person who I have for the entirety of my life, and I feel like I should use my abilities to my own advantage, instead of focusing them on others like I usually do.

Either way, my tea is gone, my tummy is growling, this post is almost over and I need my passport if I am going to do anything towards getting myself to Italy.

PS. I still have this fucking canker sore and I hate it.

Radiant flow and canker sores

As an endeavor to a healthier me and a new focus on self awareness, I have to say that I truly missed being a yogi. Yoga was the cornerstone of fitness for me throughout high school and as I moved on into higher education, I sadly lost that part of myself.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of joining in Melissa Martinez-Chauvin’s Radiant Flow class at Midtown Community Yoga. First of all this studio exudes zen as soon as you walk in the door. From the natural lighting to the incredibly tall ceilings to the earth toned walls and hardwood floors, I automatically felt myself acclimating to a new sense of self.

I sat next to a man-bunned, red bearded, snow bum named Murphy. He was cool but I wasn’t so much focused on him as I was on the sweat pooling in the middle of back about halfway through the class. Melissa kept turning up the heat to allow maximum flexibility in our muscles, and well the hotter the room, plus constant movement = sweat for ya girl.

Either way the class was completely rejuvenating and I have never felt more intune with myself and my environment. I am sore today and I haven’t felt a better pain. The soreness of my muscles is a physical reminder that I did something positive for my body and my mind. It’s a honestly such a good feeling in the weirdest most encouraging way.

On the other hand, the universe has decided to bless me with a canker sore. You know those fucking mouth ‘ulcers’ that just sting and are annoying because eating becomes impossible? Yeah I have one and I am rather hot and bothered about it. I used to get them all the time in high school when I was stressed the fuck out. But my life isn’t too stressful right now so I don’t know why this sore decided that being in my environment was a good idea. I feel like I became so unwound and de-stressed from yoga, that maybe the pent up stress that I released in Radiant Flow just decided to present itself in my mouth. Either way its fucking annoying.

PS. I hate the word canker, like what does that even mean?— apparently it means “something that causes bad things to happen” or “plant necrosis” according to Merriam Webster. Gross.

 

yogi’s, books, miscellaneaous

Welcome to the new year. I feel like Ross from Friends:

But either way, I have decided to take some steps to not feel like a loser. I have started a 2016 goals/resolutions of sorts and I trying my best to make a plan so that I can act good on them.

Firstly, I plan to add a little fitness in my life. I know that is on everyone’s list but I want to stick to it through the month of January when most people start to fall off the bandwagon. I went to Zumba today with my God mom and I am starting off tomorrow morning with yoga. I love yoga and am quite excited to have it back in my life. I will be doing the Radiant Flow class and I am hoping that I end it feeling balanced and re-charged for the new year. (I just miss being a yogi tbh)

Secondly,  I am starting a 52 books challenge. As you may assume, I will be reading a book a week and writing a cheeky review of them on this blog. The rules that I have set for this ‘challenge’ are as follows:

  1. Books cannot be children’s books aka be a big girl and read a chapter book.
  2. Books required in a class don’t count.
  3. You can only re-read each book once, and it will be frowned upon.

Anyway I am excited for it and there will a book review on either Saturdays or Sundays, starting on the weekend of the 9th.

Finally, I am working towards a better future. I am going to try and learn how to budget because I have no problem dropping coin I don’t really have. I have already opened a retirement account, so I’m working on securing a financial future. Let’s just say that imma be loaded when im 65. I am am also trying to let go of things from my past that still haunt me and keep me from putting the pieces of myself back together. I am trying to put my libido on the back burner because as great as sex is, I am tired of meaningless one night stands and drunken STD scares. I am also trying to take the focus off finding someone to love and re-focusing that love on to myself, since I have come to the conclusion that I need to re-learn how to love myself before I can love someone else.

There are a lot of good things to come from this year if I just let them happen and work towards bettering myself and towards a future that I want to live.

Ps. Open relationship guy isn’t going to work out. He’s too adult for me and I feel this need to try when I am with him. It’s not an effortless connection, not that connections don’t require effort, but when I feel the need to share all my life experiences so I don’t feel like such a kid compared to him, it’s no bueno. Also I guess I was intellectually attracted to him, and not so much physically. Like I said I need to put my libido on the backburner for a while.

 

Smitten

So today I had my first date with open-relationship tinder boy. We met for coffee at 3pm and I didn’t get home until 9:30. Let’s just say I was expecting for hang out for an hour, not 6 and a half. There was no expectations and just good honest conversation. We had dinner on top of coffee and though I ran my mouth like a freak and my jaw is sore from talking so much, instead of what it’s usually sore from…, but I am glad to say that he seemed pleased with my endless talking.

He’s a great listener, which is a change for a lot of men I have encountered. He is great at keep the conversation going. He is a nerd but not too nerdy. And he’s cute. Now I have no idea where this is going to go and I have no plans to steer it in a certain course. I am letting the pieces fall where they may, but I can’t wait to see where it goes.

It’s been a long time since I was able to talk to a guy for an extended period of time, let alone for six hours and not have them be gay, or try to get in my pants. So it’s interesting, but I like it.

I don’t want you the reader or me to assume that I am falling too fast. I don’t even think that I am falling per say, but I can say that I am smitten with the idea of getting to know this kid better.

May the odds be in my favor. Updates to come.

Binge

This year for Christmas, my little sister got me a book called Binge by Tyler Oakley per my request. And I have to say that I am head over heels with it. Between unwrapping it at 10 am and then actually settling down to read it at 9pm last night, I was front to cover by 1:30 am. Now to encourage a personal goal of reading more, I plan to do little book reviewish things with this blog. So here we go.

Binge is an autobiography of Tyler and not only is he one of my favorite content creators that I personally watch on YouTube, he is now one of my favorite authors. His uncanny ability to just be “unapologetically himself” (a phrased used in the book), both onscreen and in print is something that I find rather inspiring. He is one of those people that provides perfect transparency as to who he is and this is something I admire greatly, especially with his recent rise to fame.

I was an early follower of his. I joined the Oakley club when he was only at 70,000 subscribers; now at over 7 million, I am proud to have seen his channel grow and his sparkle reach many others. The thing I am most proud of though, is he hasn’t let the fame go to his head. Yeah in his book he talks about the breakdowns he’s had and how he lost who he was there for a bit, but he also often refers to a support system of friends, family and most importantly, his mom, Queen Jackie.

The book goes through his life from the beginning to the present. Talking about his personal image struggles and eating disorder as a young child to his coming out to his heart breaks to his general ups and downs to his sexcapades, Oakley gives it all in 307 pages of  pure comedic genius and raw truth. The chapter that spoke to me the most was “the one that got away.” In this chapter, Oakley explains his first love and how even though it may have been a bit twisted, his ex-boyfriend left such an impact on his life and he doesn’t regret any of it. I had a similar experience so it was rather eye opening for me.

Each page of his book has you pining to know more and like the title, I binged on the whole thing. He carefully wove in life lessons in each chapter and if I got anything from his antics it would be:

  1. Be unapologetically yourself, those who don’t like it can get the fuck out
  2. Be humble and don’t be a dick
  3. Don’t close doors that you haven’t opened and don’t close doors that you have already opened. Basically try everything once and if opportunity arises, try it again.
  4. It’s ok to fuck up, you’ll live
  5. Quality over quantity, in every aspect of your life
  6. Never drive with Tyler, ever. But hey grab a drink with the guy.
  7. Every woman is a queen and should be treated as such
  8. “Binge on things that bring fulfillment and happiness and satisfaction and make you feel alive. Binge on people who fascinate you and love that wakes you up from monotony. Binge on exploring, both your hometown and the farthest continent. Binge on the time spent bettering yourself and petting dogs. Binge on picking your grandma’s brain and learning the story of the time she got catfished. Binge on giving, in all senses. Binge on Indulging.” – Tyler Oakley, Binge, pg. 1

I suggest that everyone read it. Everyone is going to get something different out of it, but I am sure that something profound may come to you. Over 7 million people didn’t choose to follow this guy just because he can pull off mint green hair. He truly is something special and one of a kind. So Binge on kids. I’ll catch you on the flipside.

PS. update on open-relationship dude. He texted me on Christmas so I guess I didn’t have to worry about if I should text him or not.

Go the fuck to sleep

So currently it’s 1:31 am PST and I am regrettably awake. I am prone to unusual sleep patterns and not being able to sleep, but typically I would have passed out an hour ago. Honestly this whole not sleeping thing is fucking irritating. I have made my room as dark as possible, cracked the window to let cold air in because I sleep better when it’s cold and have thrown on some mellow music. But here I am wide awake and I am choosing to deal with it by venting to the internet instead of actually trying to sleep.

I have even tried listening to Morgan Freeman read a bedtime story called Go the Fuck to Sleep and that didn’t work. But here it is just incase my 2 readers want to give it a gander. Either way, according to my mother, “Santa is watching” so I’m going to listen to Mr. Freeman and try and fucking sleep.