Problems and feeling lost

As the title says, I have problems and I am feeling a little lost and I think that I am feeling lost because of my problems??? I am not really sure. My good friend from high school does this whole journaling thing and she said this “They say you can’t write away your problems, I’ve realized you can certainly write through them”- and as much as I am not a journaler (ironic bc I am a journalism major…) I think that imma need to start writing through these damn problems before people start saying “Bless her heart” behind my back– urban dictionary Bless Her Heart if you don’t know what it means, fantastic phrase.

Point is, I got some issues, or at least somethings that aren’t sitting right with me and they need to be taken care of so I’m going to go ahead and list them out in no particular order:

  1. I have no filter and that recently bit me in the ass at my sorority formal. I said some things to a friend that should not have been said, and I tarnished a friendship that didn’t need to be fucked with. Way to go glenn coco.
  2. I have a terrible guilt complex when I screw things up and Its what makes the above situation hard, and some of the situations that are about to follow. And by terrible, I mean that instead of holding grudges, I hold guilt like no one you have ever seen.
  3. I cant stop watching Hart of Dixie and it makes me want to move to a small town in Alabama. 1) I hate the south 2) I hate humidity 3)I’m a wannabe southern belle
  4. Because of the above show and my constant binge watching, I am starting to get a slight southern accent. I am even rereading this post in my head and I have a southern twang, wtf
  5. I can’t manage my spending or anything money related
  6. I still am not fond of the boy my best friend has been seein
  7. My best friend is also suffering from clinical depression but won’t admit it or get help and idk what to do about that
  8. My other best friend put her dog, our childhood dog, down today AND she finds out how big her grandma’s brain tumor is this week
  9. My grandma wished me a happy birthday today. My birthday isnt for 3 weeks. She has alzhiemers.
  10. I look and feel like a pillbury doughboy BUT I am lacking the time and motivation to go to the gym.
  11. I feel like most of the women in my sorority chapter hate me
  12. I am unhappy with my love life
  13. I had a three way this weekend after a fraternity formal and I cannot decide if I regret it or not, but I feel different around the brothers now, even though I think no one knows
  14. The three way was NOT with my date to that formal, it was in fact with another brother and his date.
  15. I haven ‘t told anyone that it was a thing and it’s killing me but I don’t want anyone in my circle to know because I don’t wanna ruin my reputation with the brotherhood?? which makes me sound like i regret it.. and like I do but I dont but I do– YIKES
  16. Also my date to formal, yeah I think I played with his emotions because I did kiss him a lot that night but hes honestly a terrible kisser– I do NOT want your tongue down my throat every fucking minute — point is I think I let the poor kid down and that hurts but like also didnt want to sleep with him anyway
  17. Also this is the second three way of my college career and idk how to feel about that fact
  18. My little sister is starting college in the fall and it just makes me all nostalgic and makes me want to go back and start over
  19. I want a boy, and I have no boy, and any possiblity of a boy in my life I just shut down or push away because I have super high standards and im a little crazy
  20. There is a boy that couldve been a thing back around vday, and now he doesnt talk to me at all unless his friend, who is also my coworker, is around. So that makes me feel real great.
  21. I feel like I am not a good friend anymore and idk how to fix that
  22. I run my mouth (no filter thing) and idk how to stop or how to think about what I say, so my solution is just to not say anything and just interalize everything which kills me.
  23. I am exhausted and working at a library so thats helpful
  24. Soild chance I have a ticket on my car when I go to it after work
  25. I have country love songs stuck in my head

So yeah, I think I should stop there when it comes to talking about my problems, because honey, I could go on forever. And I know there are real problems to have, but this is my story and my problem and I feel it affecting me mentally and so I think they are valid. I have no idea what to do about them or how to fix them and that also is something that is bugging me.

I know no one reads this god forsaken blog, but if you do, comment some solutions below because I am lost and I need some direction.

Until next time, I’ll see you next time.

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One day

One day- it’s something I say to myself often: One day i’ll look good in a swimsuit. One day i’ll graduate. One day i’ll find love. One day i’ll stop doubting myself. One day i’ll be good enough. One day.

Why do we do this- why do we think that the future is going to be our savior? I know 3, 4 years ago I was saying one day, meaning today- and have I really changed? Is this the one day I was hoping for? who knows, honestly probably not- for I still look/feel like trash in a swimsuit. I haven’t graduated yet. Love still escapes me. I am still full of self doubt. And I still do not think that I am good enough for myself, let alone anyone else.

How do I change this mentality? How to I go from one day, to right now? I mean I know things take time- changing your body, lifestyle, building relationships and trusting yourself and your worth. But how much time? I have given it time and nothing seems to have come to fruition. Which is annoying- what does it take? Even me saying out loud “I am a patient woman” does nothing to help.

These are the thoughts that cripple my thursday night mind as I listen to Broken Bells, still wondering if the guy who took me out on Valentine’s is ever going to call or if he is going to stick to ghosting me. His ghosting, his sudden absence from my life- it makes me question my own value- was I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he lie when he said my head was so good that it didn’t need a scale??- because who the fuck walks away from head that good? Who knows, but I sit here thinking those questions and saying to myself that ONE DAY I will be good enough for someone to hold on to. ONE DAY I will be good enough that I might actually love myself and not worry about why someone left. ONE DAY I will be completely secure and not worry about what others think or what they do becuase I’ll love myself for who I am regardless if others can’t. ONE DAY people won’t leave. ONE DAY I won’t feel broken.

I really hope I am not the only one who feels this way.

As I have written, I have come to realize that maybe saying One Day is a safety net. the “oh the future’s got me so I don’t need to worry right now.” And as much as I wish this was the case, you only have the you that you are right now. Past you can’t do a damn thing and future you can’t either. Only present you can achieve the One Day Goals. And as much as writing that is encouraging- I know that I am going to close this post still feeling discouraged and still feeling like I am not good enough for myself, my friends, my family, my sexual partners or for anyone in general. One day, I hope I don’t feel this way.

On relationships

Remember how I said I was back? well imma just leave that as an umbrella term. Anyway I am sat here on a Sunday night, with my whole music library on shuffle and falling into the hole that is tumblr.com. Anyway I am also being consumed with thoughts about my current life situation as I read deep quotes and have The National bringing nostalgic music to my ears. Basically, your girl is in a bit of an emotional pickle when it comes to the relationships in my life. First, lets define relationship:

Relationship (noun): the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

So I will be using relationship as an umbrella term for my friendships, sexual relations and for how I am connected to my “relationship” with life in general at this point.

First, lets talk about the friendships. My best friend, my person- well she has a new person in her life. Now I talked about this a bit in my last post, but I am at this weird point where I don’t want to share her or her time. And even though I don’t spend all my time with her due to our conflicting schedules and such, the little time I do have to spend with my bff is now being shared with a boy and I don’t like it. Yes, I am happy for her. Yes, I am stoked at least one of us is getting consistently laid. Yes, he is a sweet guy who treats her well and they are mostly compatible. But like at the same time I don’t like any of it. I don’t like that he takes her time. I don’t like that they have banchee loud sex and conversations that I can hear in my room. I don’t like that I barely know the kid. I don’t like that he’s over at our house all the time and that she never goes over to his (except tonight so like im happy I can sleep and that the ratio is finally getting shaken up, god bless– tangent NEVER let the ratio get weird, spend equal time in each other’s beds otherwise it’s just weird). Anyway I don’t know how to feel about this boy, because its not that he’s just part of her life now, he’s part of mine. Not only because I know when he climaxes during sex, but also because he’s dating my person (even if they won’t put the label on it) but like if you’re in her life, you’re in mine and vice versa. Anyway I have a lot of mixed feelings about it and idk how to express that and still be supportive. Because I truly am happy for her, I just need time to adjust?? idk its weird for me. Point is, I don’t do change when its not brought on by my own doing if that makes sense. I really don’t like it unless it was my idea and I was the one to bring it upon myself. And this boy is a change and it’s going to take some getting used to and I know that the whole getting used to thing is dragging on own relationship as super best friends, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be overly supportive and still feel how I feel at the same time. So there’s that.

But, since my bff has a new person in her life, I also have a new person. A new friend. She’s a sweet heart and is someone I can go to when I feel left out by my bff. My new friend is a sweet little angel who can be there for me in any capacity. She also gets my situation which is nice. And the greatest thing about her is that she cares to put time into me and our friendship. You see I have one main rule for life: you are welcome on my island any time, but you have to ACT like you WANT to be here, if you don’t I’ll assume and you’ll be voted off the island real quick. Veto’d, cancelled, whatever you want to call it- you’re gone. I do not have the time for people who don’t have the time for me. I am not going to waste my time on someone who doesn’t want me in their life or who doesn’t want to be in mine. I am not here for when its convenient- you’re either on the island or you’re not- yes there is a limbo when you’re walking the plank off the island, but for the most part you’re either on or off. And yes I am all about the second chances, thirds and fourths- the main point being that if you wanna be here great, act like it and I will be more than happy to put time into you.

Which brings me to the third relationship I am in. A boy. God fuck the male species sometimes- like I do not understand them. So anyway at the beginning of February, I hooked up with a brother of my fave frat, 1. that’s very out of character for me and 2. like I am considered a bro so like it’s just a little weird. THAT being said- it was a hot ass night and I broke my 1.5 year dry spell and I walked away with a purple neck (9 goddamned hickies) and I was feeling great- like wow a boy actually was interested in me? wow. Point it was a great night- and the sunday/monday after were great on the communication scale like 9/10 we were doing great, as the week followed though, we slowly slipped into a like 4/10 on the communication scale and like I was bummed but like I get it life happens, maybe it was just going to be a one night thing, whatever I was cool. Then this fucker asks me out on valentine’s day- so we do the Qudoba deal (you kiss at the reg and you get a free meal- it’s dope) anyway we had a great date, great conversation and I spent the night at his house and we had another good night in my opinion. And so I was thinking great, like he’s taking me out on v-day so he’s gotta be into me and like were having great conversation etc. and then he FALLS OF THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH and I haven’t heard from him since and I am sitting here like wtf!?! like homie what the fucking hell to do want for me? and I don’t mean this in a crazy clingy desperate chick way- I mean this in a don’t want to be played way. Remember how I was just talking about the island- well I am v confused by this boy because sometimes I think he wants to be on my island and other times I think he wants to be far away from my island. And I don’t get it. Like I don’t have time to worry about this. Like for the love of god where is head at- all I want is to be on the same page. Like you wanna just randomly hook up when we see each other at a frat party? Great. You want to do the casual fun dating without the label thing where we go on some dates and we sleep together but can still be a booty call? Great. You actually want to go for real dating? Great. You want to be just FWB booty calls? Great. You want to be just friends that had a few great nights but that’s all it was? Great. JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. Like I am literally about to go all Noah from the Notebook on this kid- like I do not have the time to worry about what we are- I am literally game for anything at this point, yes I prefer the casual fun thing, but like if you don’t wanna be on the page- that’s fine just like tell me what page you’re on so I can get there and stop rereading the chapter trying to figure it out. Anyway its driving me up the fucking wall not knowing where I am at so I’m lw going to corner this kid tomorrow and hope for the best- because I can’t take it. Like I want him in my life in whatever capacity that is- but I don’t like doing the whole unknown thing- not my style. I also don’t do the no communication thing- like even friends talk every now and then- friends care about whats happening in each others lives so like don’t fall of the earth- please be on the island.

Anyway I am just really frustrated with how my relationships are going in my life because I want to make them better but I don’t know how and/or how warranted my presence and thoughts and opinions etc are in the lives of others. At this point I just want to make them stronger and I am struggling with that- not only in how I outwardly express it but also in how I am internalizing and processing it and yeah thats where I’m at. I don’t like it and I don’t quite know how to pull myself out of this relationship funk.

Adult World

I can apologize for the time I have been away. I can pull out the excuse book and rattle off the hundreds I could come up with. But honestly, thats a waste of fuckin time. The point is I’m back– for good? who knows, but I’m back for now.

I just got inspired to write so I may as well run with it. I just finished watching Adult World on Netflix as my best friend has sex in the room below me- what? I needed something to block out the stripping of innocence below by floor. So obviously, I picked a film about an aspiring poet who works at a porn shop and her journey on the broken road that most artists travel. Brilliant film and the ever inspiring Evan Peters is in it, so really you can’t go wrong. Also Emma Roberts, so for my American Horror Story fans, you will enjoy it. Honestly if you’re into off the beat indie films, you’ll like it. I am compiling a list of great little indie films and there is post about it soon to come your way.

Now lets cut the jargon and get to the point. I was inspired by this film. I am unsure if it was just the film itself or the film sparked the ember that has been stirring since the beginning of the year. This semester I am taking a great deal of creative courses- the kind that make you think more about the world and question life- not the kind that make you try to make a letter equal a number (which is complete and utter BULLSHIT if I do say so myself- obvi not a science/math kid). Creative thinking is one in its own and I do think that it is a lot harder than people think- ANYWAY back to the point- two of my classes have me creating art and another has me writing it. Between being in the arts building on campus for 10+ hours a week and spending another 8 hours a week writing stories from my past, I have come to the conclusion that I need to stop. I need to stop tucking away my inner brooding artist. I have pulled myself out of greek life to an extent and started liking country music and wearing cowboy boots.

I feel like I am losing myself bc I don’t know who to be anymore- Do I be the boho artist that creates shit and lives a wanderlust lifestyle? Do I become the country girl that has always been there since my dad first played me Tim McGraw? or do I be the overachieving basic sorority bitch with the dreams of leading greek life? I don’t know. I just saw the movie split and its about a guy with multiple personality disorder and I feel like sometimes I am there. I put on a front, or a type of person that best fits the others I am talking to or hanging out with. And I never feel like I am truly me? And I don’t know if that’s because it’s the easy way or the fact that I don’t know how to be all these people at the same time. I mean there are parts of my personality that carry through each of these “alter-egos”- ie my insesent use of the word fuck, my love of cheap pink moscato and the need to be liked by whoever I am talking to-but is that enough to string them all together? I don’t know.

Honestly I don’t know a lot, but what I have concluded is that we are all trying in one way or another. We are all trying to Jack Kerouac this thing we call life and praying that it turns out well enough that when we look back we don’t cringe as much. Anyway those are the thoughts from a mixed up 20 year old at midnight in the beginning of February.

Until next time, I’ll see you next time.

geerad

So it’s going out time for those hooligan college kids. I myself am obviously not going out, mostly becuase my bff is out of town for the weekend, but also bc my fave frat is laying low after the party bust last weekend. I also just think it’s nice to stay in some weekends, especially since it’s all rainy out.

You may be wondering about the title and all I can say is look it up on soundcloud. You’re welcome. It’s the vibes of the moment rn. So like if you wanna know how I feel, check it.

Anyway besides the music and the rain setting the mood, I am also just chillin because I get to see Kris tomorrow at Radiant flow. Woo. I need a little yoga and my gay bff in my life. I also went thrift shopping today and just had a cheeky little reminder of my wanna be hipster self. I guess at this point I have gone from hippie to boho if that makes sense? I think boho is just more descriptive because I am still a basic bitch, just with a hipster flare.

In other news I am now jobless, so I am on the hunt for work. I honestly just need money so. But like no call backs on anything. FML. I am trying I swear. Hopefully I’ll get my job hunting ass together after yoga and hull myself up in the office and just job hunt for a couple hours. That will be good. And it will be rainy and holy moly I have a decent feeling about tomorrow.

Along with news, I am still single. SHOCKER. I mean I hooked up with someone, no sex, just BJ’s. but like when HE put the FWB label on us and I hit him up and offered brownies and blow jobs and the idea that I just got a brazillian and he said no, I knew it just wasn’t meant to be. Like how the fuck could you turn that down? snacks and orgasams. Like what???? maybe his dick’s broken. Idk.

BUTTTT there is another option on the table: So I hooked up with this guy back in like september? and he was my frat bigs bff from out of town and I honestly forgot the kid’s name either way the sex wasn’t bad and he’s a solid 6 sober so. Anyway he was at a party I was at last weekend and we ran away to the same house when it got busted. He asked for my snapchat while we were laying low and when he left back to his buddy’s he asked for a hug and now were like lowkey chatting over snapchat. I mean not in a sexual way but in a get to know you, become friends kind of way. And for some god forsaken reason I am starting to like him. He’s one of those people that you’re like “idk why I like you but I do and it’s driving me insane” kind of people. Anyway 2 things are happening 1.he’s moving up here for school so i’ll get to see him more. 2. the date I have lined up for formal may not be able to make it so like I am thinking of asking this kid to formal if my original date can’t go. We will see. Updates to come.

ON the other hand 2 things that fucked up my day. 1. I just found a fucking ant crawlin on my chest. WTF. 2. my fucking weird asian roommate at the audacity to switch my laundry today. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? don’t fucking touch my clothes, don’t do that you whore. She almost single handedly ruined half my fucking wardrobe. Some shit can’t be dried bitch. Omg I wanted to cut her so bad. AND she stole the fucking rice cooker! like sre their grounds here for my to get her deported? Bc i will.

PS. let me know if I can deport this bitch.

PPS. let me know if anywhere is hiring in the Northern Nevada area.

PPPS. what should I do about this kid I am starting to like?

 

 

The Bitches

So right now I am vlogging and I wanted footage of me typing so that I can look like I am actually doing something, which is good I guess. Basically I am vlogging for my film class and the project it due tomorrow go me and yay procrastination. The good thing is that is post will be posted on the blog that no one reads so therefore I guess I am clean. BUT like all my social media comes up when you google me. I should probably private it all #futureemployers. But like this blog doesn’t come up so that’s good.

Anyway, you may be wondering why I am calling this post “the bitches” it is so because a lot of people in my life are being a bitch. Whether that’s a dumb ass bitch, a whiney bitch, and stuckup rude bitch or just a fucking bitch. It’s all a thing and I am just over it at this point. Also I should probably check this vlog footage bc I have a good feeling that my head is out of frame. YOLO bc I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am over the bitches, I am over the classes I have to take and I just wanna be rich and do my life. Like is that so hard to ask??? I also just want to be 21 so I could order a glass of wine rn.

This post is a god damned train wreck and well I don’t care much at this point. I mean what were you guys expecting? A masterpiece after a 2 month hiatus? LOL I don’t think so. I am still single, and I am still going to keep bitching about my sad, but not so sad life. That is why this blog was made, for me to be my imperfect trainwreck of a self. I mean it’s not like many people are reading my bullshit anyway. Besides Kristopher, but he has to because he’s the only friend that knows about this blog and he’s a fellow blogger so.

Either way I spent $11 on coffee so far and only got done half of what I needed to do and my laptop is going to die, so I am going to go home and eat some snacks and then head to the library to work on my stupid film project. All I have to say is stills for life and fuck being the creator of a motion picture, I will gladly remain an audience member.

PS. If anyone has any ideas for my next film project hmu.

PPS. Is it ok to make a mock “Whine About It” video for my film class, I’m not 21 and I’ll be drunk and bitching in it? maybe? I think it will be funny but I’m not trying to get an MIC or in trouble with my prof, still need to pass the class. Comment your thoughts. If you don’t know what Whine About It is, google that shit and be blessed with some of the greatest videos on the internet.

Time to get serious

Happy fucking valentines. As you can probably tell from the fuck word and the fact that I am writing a post at 10:22 on V-day that I am still single as fuck. So I’m not getting laid or being fed chocolate covered strawberries in bed while in sexy lingerie. I mean that is the dream. But hey I am in some hot as fuck victoria’s secret panties. (they look like this but in a hot corally pink https://www.victoriassecret.com/panties/cheekies-and-cheekinis/lace-cheeky-panty-very-sexy?ProductID=254286&CatalogueType=OLS). I hope all of appreciate the hotness of these panties.

Also v-day sucked because I was supposed to get a couples massage with my gay bff and he bailed so that blew and kinda ruined my day.

Anyway onto more important things. I know that I always says that I am going to try and get better at this writing thing– as in doing it more often, I have no interest in working on my grammer, spelling or my profanity. either way, let’s be serious, I never do it so why promise the like 4 readers that I will? So I am promising that I am going to write when I am going to write and it’s going to be real and it’s going to be utter honesty. Because I live on telling the truth. Not always and there are exceptions but why the fuck would I lie? like what is the fucking point. this is who I am and you either like it or you get the fuck out, really no way around that one.

On the other side, I went and saw “How to be Single” tonight and it was a right fuckin laugh and I enjoyed the fuck out of it. It was funny and classic and real– I mean as real as hollywood can get without turning into a documentary. Anyway it was brilliant and everyone should see it, SINGLE OR NOT.

I am also so FUCKING SORE FROM THE GYM and I don’t know how I am going to move tomorrow, let alone be able to do my panhellenic photoshoot. *eye rolling*. don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my body hurts, it means that I am doing something and I also will be grateful for the super cute pics imma be in tomorrow BUT I just want to do the photos at a later date so that I can study for my test on wednesday and so that I can go the gym and make myself more sore.

Anyway back to the love sector of the day, my best friend Kelsey, well her boyfriend who I adore as a person is in a frat and he is hooking me up with one of the brothers. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am praying that the dry spell is going to be broken, but like also my sorority has a semi-formal coming up and I need a date. And like I dont wanna bang this guy and then be like hey also you should be my date to semi– like is it just me or is that a little weird? But like kels texted conor(her bf) that I didn’t have a date and he said “guy?” I don’t want to use his name on here because I don’t want to jinx my sex or semi chances with this kid because I think he’s attractive and I want to get to know him more, even though we have literally met once and he was plastered and I doubt he remembers me. Anyway I hope that made sense lol.

Point is I am single and sick of it. And not that I am super desperate, I am just so tired of being alone. I want to be able to talk to someone all day and then hang out and bang sometimes and other times just be with one another enjoying eachother’s company. Like universe, why is that so hard to understand? Idk it’s just hard because 1. kels is in a relationship 2. other best friend lexi is turning 21 and I feel like i am going to lose time with her because I am only turning 20 so there is this like weird gap where she can go out to a bar and I cant you know? I mean not that I am not going to see her it just there is going to be times where I want to hang out and she might already be out with people or like she’s going to make other friends and see that I am just not as cool as she thought idk. I am just paranoid 3. and then there’s my person Allie, and she has and always will be there but It’s just hard because we are such busy people and even though we make time for each other, it’s never enough. So I am not only alone in the sense that I don’t have a significant other, but I also don’t always have my people, I just always have me and idk I get bored of myself.

PS. please tell me someone out there is feeling my struggle. I mean sorry to go all deep and sappy about my problems but that’s kinda why I have this blog tbh.

PPS. If anyone has watched the girlfriends guide to divorce, hmu because I fucking love that show.

 

The struggle is real

Hi friends. It has literally been 12 years since I wrote anything, but life happens and so does the next episode on Netflix. Anyway I guess its time for a life update– I think I am just going to do this bullet point style because otherwise I’ll be here forever:

  1. Srat life is hard and there is so much drama going on and I want to quit sometimes and girls are bitches and I am just over all the petty shit. Basically my sorority is broken and cliquey and I am trying to be the rational one and figure out ways to fix it and it’s not going so well because apparently my opinion doesn’t matter.
  2. I getting a credit card and becoming an adult. EW.
  3. I’ve backtracked on the vegetarian thing and ams just starting with cutting out red meat and only eating chicken and fish occasionally. Gotta take it slow people
  4. Sorority had informal recruitment this week, so I didn’t go to the gym. Hating myself for it a bit tbh. Monday we’re goin hard.
  5. I’ve decided to go on a slut rampage because the sex tap has been dry for too long. But boys don’t talk to me so idk how this is going to work. Im guessing it will be a mix of alcohol and hoe shirts. You know, the shirts that make your tits look bomb af.
  6. I am going to San Diego for Spring break and we add stopping at Disneyland to out trip. Fuckin yes!
  7. I’m getting couples massages with my gay best friend for v-day and he’s paying so like score for me, especially since its the closest I am going to be to any dick for a while.
  8. I need a shower but I’m practically out of conditioner so like do I make do with what I got or do I go out like a hobo and get more?
  9. My job is coming to an end so I need a new job but like I don’t want a job in march because of Greek Week and Spranggg Breakkkkkk so like I’m fucked.
  10. I met Laci Green in person this week so that was cool.

Anyway that’s what’s going on for now. Imma try and get better at this!

PS. I got some new Victoria’s Secret things and I am still not getting laid so like what’s wrong with me?

Neglect

I’m back. Wow it feels like years since I have written anything. I am blame school, the gym and laziness. Not really sure what I want to talk about, but I feel like I have neglected my wanting to write. I am chalking this up to being exhausted from the gym/school/life and by the time I get inspired to write, it’s late and I really want to get some sleep. More sleep to 1. be more healthy and have more energy but 2. because I want to go to the gym early. Speaking of which I am going with my best friend Lexi tomorrow morning at 6am, so I am trying to sleep by 10 lol. It’s 9pm now so, let’s see how that goes.

Anyway I also feel like I am neglecting and embracing a new diet all at the same time. For one, I am still keen on going veggie and since my last post I have only eaten two meals with meat (chicken and scallops) and other than that, most of my meals have actually been vegan since I am trying to cut all dairy–that being said I am holding on to cheese with my life. But hey its steps in the right direction, not only for the health reasons but also for the animal rights as well as a healthy planet. The other main reason for still grasping to the cheese is that I am travelling to Italy for a semester this time next year and I just cannot comprehend going there and not eating cheese… mostly for the sheer tasteful pleasure that will come from it and the abundance of cheese they have there. I mean that is a year away so there is plenty of time to adjust.

The main thing I have noticed in this journey of going healthy is that it is just as big of a mental challenge and I don’t think people talk about that side enough. The hardest part is getting your heart and emotions to commit to the changes your eyes and brain want to see. Right now the smell of steak from the sorority house next door is wafting through my window, and I am second guessing the want to go veggie/vegan. But I know that I am eating a life and supporting the death of many animals if I cave into that bite of juicy flesh. The other mental part comes on the work out side of things. Yes, your workout might be hard, but for me is the actual committance of going to the gym. Why wake up at 6am to workout when I could sleep another 2 hours before class? Why go to the gym when I have 12 netflix episodes until the end of the season? Basically its easy for your body to commit to new changes, it’s your mind that needs to face the challenge and overcome it.

On a completely opposite note, my sorority has a dance coming up and I need a date. Like bad. Mostly because my libido has been on the back burner for too long, but also because I don’t want to be that one sister that doesn’t have a date. I also just want some male companionship that doesn’t come in the form of my gay best friend, or the poor guys I have had to friendzone because I see them as brothers and not guys I wanna bang.

Speaking of wanting to bang, my TA for video class is delicious and I just wanna bang. Not for better grades, but solely because I am attracted to him and well he’s just a really great guy. I also just want to play with his hair. Yes, he is the owner of a man bun and hair that is better than mine and I just want to run my fingers through it. I have only told my best friend Allie about who he actually is because everyone else is going to judge me. I say that because anyone who goes to my university knows who this kid is. He’s that kid. The kid that didn’t mean to become a face for our school, but totally is. And point is, I am basing my success in this class off of my ability to bang him (hopefully more than once). The main issues with this are that 1. I don’t want to be failed bc sexual relations with an instructor 2. I don’t want him to face any penalties and 3. I actually want a date along with getting to bang this kid. Basically I am fucked and sadly not by my TA.

Anyway I guess that is all I have to say for now. Hopefully I will stop neglecting my blog and my commitment to going veggie and maybe even vegan.

PS. If anyone has any solutions to my TA banging problem, let me know. Also you should know that I am awkward af and flirting doesn’t really come naturally and yeah. Help me get laid pls. K thx.

Developments

So I added that cheeky little post last night because I felt like I was neglecting my blog and that I needed to give the people something. I liked it because it truly is just my brain running through like a hamster on a wheel. Also listening to Mr. Brightside by the Killers rn and I am restraining my need to belt it on the top of my lungs (don’t want to scare the new hot roommate).

Anyway I keep getting distracted because i’m talking to my little sister. Which I like these moments because me and her don’t usually get along. We are just very different people. For example, we both want to save the planet and animals and such, but we attack the problem differently– I take the hippie, protest etc. route and she goes all super sciencey and analytically about it. But since I been moved out for about 2 years now, It’s a lot better between us. Now to I ever think we are going to be super BFF’s, no. But I do hope that we can get close to that one day.

On another note, I have started school and all I have to say is that I will be spending endless hours editing film, cringing at the sound of my own voice recorded, reading about contemporary issues surrounding the Feminist movement and crying in economics (I got a 1 on the AP exam in high school so this is bound to be a shit show #pray4myGPA). And even though these are negative aspects I am excited for it. I have been looking for some inspiration in school and I have found a little bit of it so I am trying to not let it go.

On a completely different note, I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian. This is going to be quite a lifestyle change for me since I grew up on a nicely seared steak and eating meat almost everyday. Having started my journey into a healthy lifestyle, I am really interested in the health benefits of a more plant based diet. Now I am planning on still having fish now and then and I know the vegans will come after me for the fish thing and neglecting the whole dairy side of things. But If there ares anything thing that I truly love in this world, it’s cheese and ranch and at this point I don’t want to be cutting everything at once. Slowly and surely those things will happen and maybe some day I will become full vegan, who knows.

Also I have seen some clips on factory farming and animal cruelty and I really do care about the animals and I don’t like how they are treated and if I can do my part and cut out at least a portion, then I am doing just that little bit of good. The animals don’t deserve it and if I can do a small something (that may turn into something bigger) then I am going to do that small something.

Ps. Be as You Are (Jordan XL Remix) by Mike Posner has been the vibes with week, along with Yiken by Priceless da Roc. Two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT genres, but like i’m diggin both so everyone who has something to say about it can shove off.